April 23, 2004

Paper Shredder

I've been a real fucking waste lately. I haven't been getting up, or going to class, or feeling fulfilled or happy. At least I get my self out of the house at least once a day, and I try to be active if you call my sheet of everyday stretches (that I do maybe twice a week) active.

I got a review book for calculous, I doubt the professor will be ecstatic that I've missed class but, eh.

Symbolic logic I'm doing all the homework so I'll be caught up. I was going to do that all today but I slept in, didn't get out of the house, and then saw a play and a bunch of my friends invited them selves over to my house. So ehh. I don't want to hear shit about priorities, it's not their fault I haven't done this shit already.

I'd go on explaining how I'm going to wing this but I'd just hear "you got to just get it done" or "You need to make priorities and goto tutoring." or "Why aren't you going to class?"

I just want to tell all the voices of reason in my head to fuck off.

Nothing I've wanted has gone well this year, fucking 2004, its been shitty so far.

I'm taking summer classes, I probably won't get a job a rowan due to my grades. (I should pass everything but... eh.) I don't even have a fucking place to live. And when I do find one it won't have a garden. All I wanted was a fucking garden. I wanted to till the soil and plant grass, trim the 2 hedges and plant some bulbs so I'd have pretty flowers. Tulips and lilies - I'd even get the right kind of soil to make sure they grew right.

The three things I'm proud of lately.

1) (and this is bull shit) I've made a conscious effort to limit my time on the computer. But I Can't figure out what I've been doing instead. Probably just using the computer.
2) I got a broken paper shredder at good will for a dollar. I fixed it in 10 minutes and shredded everything I could find (and some things that needed shredding). And then failed to find a paper recycling bin and threw the bag of paper out.
3) ... I had a 3rd thing but I can't even remember it.

What a mood I'm in.

Tonight I watched a good bunch of people be stupid, I tried to join in a little but by the end of the night I was just bitter. I watched - hell I encouraged once I saw it happening - a girl I know fool around with some boy who's not her boyfriend. That kind of pissed me off. Relationships piss me off in general. They're sweet and cute when you see people in love, but the other parts piss me off. Maybe its just people in general.

Fuck you Black Jack Davy.

Its an old folk song, the White Stripes did a really good version of it. Their music is a little different but it only adds to the song. They did it really well.

I'm pissed that because of my summer classes I'll be in class all summer with only a few weeks at the end of august to do anything away from Jersey. I'll have plenty of time while classes are going on as they aren't all day but I'll have to remain here. I was hoping to spend the time gardening and fixing up my new house. I was also going to go around and fix computers. I do a better job then anybody out there and my price is right.

I doubt that I have the resolve to make it happen. I'm starting to hate this town actually. I no longer really want to stay here. I'm told they have a fee if you rent any apartment to college students? I don't even know if thats true but its what the jack ass who doesn't want me moving into the house I was looking at mentioned to his real-estate agent. She was nice enough but knew shit about the property, just showed us around. Too bad her boss jerked us around.

I should probably sleep so I'm functional tomorrow. Another day come and gone. Another day wasted on me. I wish I knew what the hell is wrong with me.


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