June 23, 2004

The Icarus Project

The Bipolar World By Sascha Altman DuBrul

This guy started that site, I'm about to read his book.

I was told (I already knew - I just didn't feel the need to name it) that I "show bipolar tendencies" the other day and it freaked me out. Just to name it scared me. I show tendencies - I'm like "bipolar light". The diet cola of bipolar.

I had so many questions when he told me. "Will it get worse with age?" "Will it get worse at all?" "Will it go away?" "Will I be able to function alright?"

I got no answers. Just the name of a drug that can slow the cycle of my ups and downs. "Will it make me depressed longer?"

Its name is "Lamotrigine" or "Lamictal". I haven't researched it yet. But its a long term drug. I don't like the idea of being on something for a long time.

I know its partly genetic but I know I get triggered from a whole bunch of things. I went to a party in February up here in NY and things went... not so well with an ex-girlfriend. Over the next two weeks I started to crash and then I stopped functioning. I wouldn't even get up in the morning, or do anything I wanted to do. It happened again when finals came around. I did manage to get studying for one class done (and what a lot of studying it was), but after that I just stopped studying, and then I stopped doing things in the morning, the I stopped getting up. I was a wreck by the time finals came around but I managed to pull my self up and go take all of them. And then... lots of emotion - I had to move and I wasted another year of college - all sorts of thoughts, just that was enough but things were going bad with my ex-girlfriend and I ended up having panic attacks... I was on a "down" note at the time.

After I moved to Ny was "up" pretty much until about 2 weeks ago when I started missing work and not sleeping right. I don't always get triggered but... it doesn't usually doesn't take much.

I'm on my way "up" right now, I'm going to yoga tomorrow night. Working all day. Probably cleaning a little more - get rid of some junk and maybe that broken bookshelf. I'm hoping I can have my self together a little more before I start to crash again, when ever that's going to happen.

It's just been something thats been on my mind. Something I've been thinking about.


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